I Wish There Were an Eject Button in Life
It’s the same sad echo
I honestly wish there were eject button in life where one could just push the button and reset everything and it would have to go back to normal. Lately, I’ve been feeling a little bit down. Life is not gone as I wanted to or expected. Of course in life there are ups and downs but lately I just feel like I’ve been going on a downward trajectory ever since the beginning of this year. It also doesn’t help that we’re still stuck in this miserable pandemic or that people don’t even care to bother about anything. It seems that the whole world is going down the shit tubes.
I just want a break.
I’ve been contemplating what exactly is normal. There is a balance to everything but I feel I’ve been dealt an unlucky hand.
First, it was being hit with the Coronavirus back in December. Then I lost everything in the stock market during the Gamestop fiasco in January. In February it was the polar vortex that left me helpless and unable to make money for nearly 2 weeks. Then, out of nowhere, i get in a car accident as some idiot driver slams into me disrupting my plan to get back on track financially.
This sucks.
I’ve been trying to be positive in light of all this. And some would say that my problems aren’t as equally bad as their own. They might be right. And they have every reason to complain.
I just feel a lack of justice when it comes to my life. Where is the balance? I can’t seem to see the other side of the coin.
I would probably be a millionaire for every dollar of complaint right now.
I can’t seem to see the silver lining right now and it bothers me. Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for my life sentence to end or some major catastrophe or setback to occur. I know I don’t want to live this way but it is what it is.
I never signed up for this.
I wish there was a reset button because all I feel like doing right now is taking a dirt nap. And that sucks.
I’m not enjoying anything right now. I’m not taking pleasure that much in my writing nor coming up with new ideas that could change my lifestyle. Most of the time, I am just grinding away hoping for a miracle. I don’t do drugs, and I haven’t had sex with anyone for a really long time. I don’t even like to drink anymore, and the food I eat is plain boring. So medicating just seems like a chore. Most of the time (like right now) I feel completely numb to anything or anyone.
It seems like every day is the same thing. I wake up, day trade in a simulator, all the while hustling away driving for UberEats for a living for now until I can save up every penny and pay down my lousy credit card debt and fill my offshore brokerage account so I can start day trading with real money again.
I’m slogging away at my novel going through the editing process which seems to take so long. After driving all day it’s hard for me to have the energy to remain focused on it and even accomplish anything.
The only thing that provided some mild form of entertainment was the fact that I realized I could buy some Garbage Pail Kids trading cards at Walmart. I thought this might be something new or unique since I never really had the cards growing up and always wanted them.
I think the fairytale has to end someday. I’m just not up for change anymore. I have no desire to go work a job or even start another business. Life just seems dull right now.
I think if it were to end, the curtain would go down and all my illusions would be shattered. That would be ok with me at this point. I’m not frightened of much. Maybe it’s what I can’t see that scares me the most. Maybe I’m not ready for anything new. Maybe that’s why I feel so stuck.
Other than that, I feel like dying.
