Dear Gen Z
Why am I always pulling my hair out when I hear of you?
Dear Gen Z,
I love you, but you’ve caused me a lot of problems. You see, I thought I was cool like you but now that you’ve turned the tables again and upended the status quo, I’m a bit disappointed.
I don’t mind that you think you’re cool. It’s just that, you’re not that cool. It’s kind of like the person at the rollerskating rink who is doing all those backflips and somersaults during the Hokey Pokey. They may think they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, but just wait a few seconds later and you will find them face-first on the floor.
That’s kind of like you, Gen Z.
While you were still in your diapers sucking on your mother’s tee-tah, I was slaving away at my first job learning the ropes on how to move up the corporate ladder. Little did I know, that working hard and staying up late didn’t matter that much unless I garnered more likes on social media, thanks to you. Now that you are the age when I first started a job, life seems so much more complex and trivial for you, yet you haven’t fully grasped the concept since you’re stuck at home during a pandemic. Cry me a river.
When the bomb dropped and the Twin Towers collapsed where were you? Probably rolling up your sleeve and asking mommy and daddy for a new pair of Heelys. Sorry not sorry.
I think it’s ok to say at this point that you suck (for the most part). I hate to see your Taco Bell arriving late with Uber Eats or DoorDash because you were too busy making your next viral TikTok video. And I don’t want to use the overused phrase “when I was your age” because that just makes me look old. In fact, I’m really not that older than you. As a millennial, my generation pretty much invented social media that you now use and call your own. Without us paving the way for your hip technological gadgets and post-dot com bubble boredom I would like to see you survive an AOHell where all you have is a dial-up connection and some CD-ROMS left at your disposal. You think phishing is terrible? Wait until you see what I caught. Surprise, it isn’t a Russian hacker creating fake news. It might just be YouTube sending you a message for having too many followers. Whoops, you just got punted.
Oh wait, you’ve never heard of that term? I’m sorry. Yes, you don’t know what you think you know. When was the last time you had to blow on cartridges to make them work for solid entertainment purposes? Or actually go outside to pick up your own food? I’m sorry technology has alluded you. Please write me some code on how life will be easier for you in 20 years. Then you can get back to me. Oh wait, you don’t use email. I think I’ll go dunk my head in some Tide Pods now.
Don’t get me started on fashion. I’m tired of your mom jeans and Doc Marten wearing shenanigans. The last time I checked those jeans were worn by my babysitter who was actually a dignified skater girl who enjoyed watching Goonies and The Princess Bride. She was actually a true rebel because her parents yelled at her for dying her own hair and she dared to hang out with the punks- the real outcasts of society. The only thing it seems like you know how to do is polish your Gram so that your 2k + followers will beg for your mercy at the sight of your new Thrasher hoodie and tie-dye beanie.
R.I.P.
I want to be certain about one thing though and it’s this. Why the skull emoji? I know I wouldn’t see you die laughing because these days there isn’t much to laugh about except the fact that you think you control the largest companies in the world when it comes to products and marketing behavior. I almost died laughing when I read that one. You think you can cause a stock to rise up (and granted I do give you credit for that one) only to drop back down the next week. You think you have all the power. The only ones who had the power were the Power Rangers, and they actually roasted bad people who stayed in their caves too long.
I think you need to get out and stop sipping your cold brew.
I’ll be sure to make a cup of coffee for your head. It won’t be some kick in the pants, mumble rap that you always listen to. Nor will it be the slap on the wrist justice that you’re seeking without experienced knowledge of the way the system works.
Nah.
You just haven’t lived that long. As far as I know (and I do know for sure because I survived it) the Great Recession was a terrible time for anyone right out of college. I’m sure you will do just fine sitting at home creating deepfakes for your Zoom call, with Netflix on, while simultaneously snapping photos of your dog. I hope your simp finds you out.
Don’t worry. By the time you read this, it will all be irrelevant. I do wish and hope the best for you though Gen Z. But for now can you please make sure the local Chipotle is well stocked with some vegan fried chicken?
Yours Truly,
J.
